What We Used To Be
by RideItLikeYouStoleIt
Summary: Chikaru was changing, and she didn't like who she was becoming. Her cheerful smile was slipping and the only person who notices is her old friend who Chikaru had given up on a long time ago. Shizuma sees her pain and pushes her way back into Chikaru's life, but the last thing she needs is for old feelings to return and for her friend to see what she was blind to for so long.
1. Chapter 1

Chikaru watched the Etoile say the prayer before the meal with a thoughtful expression, how odd to see her old friend act so… proper. It was just an act though wasn't it? Everything Shizuma said or did was just an act, that's how things were after Kaori passed. Shizuma was practically lifeless at first, then she started going through girls like cheap wine, though something was different, even though she used them all, she turned into a master of deception, now she was almost as good at hiding things as Chikaru was. She let the girls believe she cared about them, that was the cruel part. The old Shizuma was honest from the beginning when she went after a girl, she told them that she wanted no relationships, just fun. _'Oh how you have fallen Shizuma-chan.'_

As if the silver haired beauty could sense her thoughts, she met Chikaru's gaze, smiled, and winked. Chikaru's response was a frown of confusion before she turned her head back to her plate. The Etoile hadn't done that in a while. The rest of the dinner continued as normal, Chikaru talked animatedly with a number of her friends, mostly her juniors, Kizuna, Remon and Kagome who were first year Le Lim students. They were a lot of fun really, Chikaru especially liked making outfits for them at their costume club, one of the many Le Lim clubs that Chikaru was a part of. She needed those clubs like she needed water, she needed to always be busy with something interesting, it kept her mind off other things. Nowadays though, her cheerful smile was only for show, it had only been a year after all, but still, the days seemed to be getting darker, not brighter. She said goodbye to her friends and excused herself from the dining hall a little earlier than usual, she had told them she felt really tired and needed to go to bed early. They believed her so easily, as much as she cared for them it was so easy to deceive those innocent, trusting first year friends of hers, she felt as if none of her friends here really knew her at all anymore. She stopped in the middle of the hall she was walking down, as she remembered the reason _why _her friends could no longer ease her suffering, _why_ she had to lie to them, _why_ she felt so depressed, hateful and bitter all the time now. Her hands balled into fists, and her whole body began to shake uncontrollably, was this fear coursing through her? Or rage? It felt like both. She didn't even notice the person behind her until a hand gently touched her shoulder.

'Chikaru?'

Her hands unclenched and she spun around in shock, she was so taken aback, she didn't realise at first she had positioned herself in the fighting stance she had grown accustomed to this last year. She tried to relax and quickly force a smile on her face, hoping that Shizuma didn't notice her watery eyes. 'Etoile-sama. Sorry, I spaced out a bit there, I'll be on my way now.' She turned abrubtly to flee the scene but found a strong hand around her wrist, holding her back.

'Chikaru? Are you alright?' No of course not! But you were always too ignorant to notice Shizuma!

'Yes, of course, nothing's wrong. Now if you don't mind I need to get back to my room.' She tried to leave again but Shizuma hadn't let go.

'Etoile-sama, please let me go now. I'm just tired and want to go back to my room, that's all.' No movement.

'Shizuma.'

'What?' Chikaru blinked.

'It's Shizuma, or Shizuma-chan, like you used to call me.' Her eyes met Chikaru's and Chikaru could tell she was trying to comfort her in a small way by offering to let Chikaru call her by her first name again. _'Well those days are over, Shizuma. I think it's time we both moved on.'_

'That's kind of you Etoile-sama but I don't think we know each other well enough to be on a first name basis. It seems a little too informal. Minamoto-san or Chikaru-san is fine, thank you.' Shizuma looked taken aback for a second, though she quickly composed herself, releasing Chikaru's wrist and taking a step back. Chikaru had to look away in shame, she couldn't trust her mask not to slip in a horrible situation like this. This was pretty much a rejection of friendship on her part, which was unheard of for the Le Lim president. She avoided the silver haired woman's eyes as she wished her a good night, and then briskly walked away, back to her room, where she could once again be alone with her shame.

* * *

Something was definitely wrong with Chikaru. Shizuma had no idea what, but it was eating away at her. How could she have missed this? Chikaru had shown no inkling of unhappiness at dinner, the only time she slipped up was when Shizuma had smiled and winked at her and instead of smiling warmly like she normally would, the dark haired woman had frowned oddly as if Shizuma was some kind of stranger she didn't recognise. She had watched her old friend for most of the dinner, near the end she noticed Chikaru's face darken slightly as she was speaking with one of her younger classmates, and then as the woman had excused herself from the table, Shizuma had followed her. She had always remembered Chikaru as being one of the sweetest, cutest, kindest people she had ever met, and she was a little distressed to see her behave so strangely. Her eyes were brimming with tears, though she tried to hide it by avoiding Shizuma's gaze, she was visibly shaking, under some kind of stress, out there in the hallway where she had found the girl. Shizuma was a little hurt by her rejection though, surely that was unnecessary, she thought. Chikaru must have something even bigger going on with her than school problems, or even romantic troubles for her to purposely push Shizuma away, and act so coldly towards her. One thing Shizuma was sure of, she wasn't going to give up this time. She felt a pang of guilt as she realised that they were practically strangers now because of her. After Kaori, Shizuma had abandoned her friend somewhere along the way, and now because of that fatal mistake she couldn't help her when Chikaru needed a friend the most. _'Perhaps I really did deserve that rejection before, I am the worst friend after all. I just hope she can forgive me.'_

She felt pangs in her chest of more than just guilt as she remembered crying on Miyuki's shoulder at Kaori's funeral, even though she had lost Chikaru, she managed to hang on to Miyuki through that time, even though she wasn't the best friend to her either. Chikaru had looked close to tears earlier, Shizuma found herself imagining her crying alone in her room, with no close friends to comfort her. Whose shoulder would she cry on then?

'Chikaru. I'm so sorry Chikaru.'


	2. Chapter 2

Chikaru woke still in her uniform from the previous day, she had thrown herself on her bed and cried herself to sleep after her encounter with Shizuma, hardly believing that she had managed to lose control so easily. Normally she kept her mask up, forever smiling, forever giving advice and having fun with her friends, basically taking care of everybody else and their problems. But for some reason, everything that was wrong and painful in her life had caught up to her and she was just so tired, that she had broken. Unfortunately someone had witnessed it, and, as her luck would have it, it had to be Shizuma. '_Why? Why did it have to be like this?' _She pushed herself up off her bed, rubbing her eyes. There was no point in dwelling on it, she thought, she'd just end up upsetting herself again, right now she needed to regain her composure and clean herself up a bit for the new day. She had to admit she did feel a little better after all that crying, she must have released a lot bottled up feelings last night during her breakdown.

Chikaru moved to fix her hair and straighten her uniform, she checked herself over to make sure she was presentable, feeling a sudden pang of guilt as she remembered her harsh words towards Shizuma. Well, harsh words for her anyway, she did have a reputation for being the nicest person possibly in all three schools, and was loved for it by many of the underclassmen. Somehow this made her feel even worse, she felt suddenly like she didn't deserve to be here, to have so many students look up to her, _'I've failed them.'_ In the back of her mind, she knew what she had to do to make things right, or at least make her feel a bit better. She had to apologise to Shizuma for her inexcusable behaviour last night. Maybe she would see her at breakfast or lunch, and she would wait till there are less people around the Etoile, and then she would approach her, apologise quickly with a brief explanation, a lie of course, and then leave. Yes, that would work. But what would she say? _'Perhaps, if I said I wasn't feeling well? Or maybe I could be slightly truthful and say that there are things worrying me and I let them get to me. If she asks about them I could then say that it's personal and I don't really want to discuss it. That is a reasonable answer after all, and I wouldn't be rude saying that. Hmmm.'_

Chikaru's thoughts were interrupted by a knock at her door. _'Oh that could be Kizuna and Remon, I did leave early at dinner, maybe they came to check on me? They are so cute and thoughtful underclassmen.'_

Chikaru moved swiftly to the door and opened it wide, to come face to face with the person she least expected to see that morning. _'Oh crap, I'm not ready to face her yet.'_ Her eyes widened in shock before she quickly attempted to slip her "mask" back on, the nervousness in her voice betraying her.

'Etoile-sama?'

* * *

To say that Shizuma Hanazono was nervous was an understatement. She was usually so confident and sure of herself, and of her effect on many students, both juniors and seniors alike. She used to flaunt it, take advantage of it, of the many girls she pretended she had feelings for. But Chikaru wasn't one of those random cute girls she usually preyed upon, she used to be her friend. Admittedly Shizuma had wanted a bit more than friendship when she'd first met Chikaru, when they were both juniors together. Chikaru was so cute, and had a radiant smile that drew many people to her, she was sweet and kind, and had a habit of continuously putting other people and their problems before her own. She was also very smart, and somewhat sly, Shizuma had found unexpectedly, and not so naïve as she had originally thought. Shizuma smiled to herself as she recalled one of the few times she had tried to kiss Chikaru in the past, the raven haired beauty had slipped past her embrace so easily, smiling the whole time as Shizuma hit on her, trying unsuccessfully to corner the girl against the side of the building. She had laughed and smiled at Shizuma, practically dancing around her as Shizuma was too slow, Shizuma could still remember her voice, **_'It was nice talking to you, Shizuma-chan! I'll see you later!' _**She had smiled brightly before gracefully skipping away. _'Damn, I wish I had gotten a kiss from her, at least once.'_

Her nerves grew again as she navigated the strawberry dorms, trying to remember which room it was, it had been so long since she had wanted to visit this room that she had forgotten for a moment which direction she had to go. She briskly walked down a corridor that seemed familiar, she believed the room she was looking for was near the end.

_'__I don't care if she was angry at me or hates me now, I can't let this go. I have to show her that I'm here again, and that she can trust me to be there for her. I want our friendship back.'_ Shizuma knew she wouldn't back down now, she couldn't afford to this time or she would lose this person forever. She gathered her courage and stopped outside a door she recognised. She lifted her hand and hesitantly knocked. Her stomach was churning in anticipation, _'What if I got it wrong?'_

She heard movement on the other side and the door was swung open to reveal the girl she was afraid and yet so desperate to see. The girl's face faltered slightly, her eyes widening as she realised who her unexpected visitor was.

'Etoile-sama?' Her voice just about cracked, Shizuma could tell the raven haired beauty was as nervous as she was.

'Chikaru-chan.'


End file.
